When Everything's Made to be Broken
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Jay and Hank bring Erin back to the hotel after Yates' trial. Post-crossover, pre-Voight threatening Yates


Erin left the bar with Voight holding one elbow and Jay holding the other. Not because she was drunk (she wasn't, despite her best efforts), but because her grief was coming in waves that threatened to knock her down if she wasn't anchored to something solid.

Jay and Hank gently led her down the street, but Erin wasn't really aware of where they were going.

Erin Lindsay had seen death before. She'd seen people die of overdoses, accidents, suicides, murder. She'd seen it all. She'd been affected by it; felt sad for friends that were in her life one day, but gone the next.

But this…this wasn't just being _sad_.

This was grief.

Bone deep and unrelenting.

This was, she thought vaguely, what it was like to lose your best friend, your mother, your sister. This wasn't just _someone that died_.

This was Nadia.

Sweet, funny, determined, stubborn as hell Nadia.

Nadia, who turned her life around. Nadia, who only wanted to be a Chicago cop. Nadia, who wasn't scared of Voight, even on his worst days.

Nadia, who was Erin's roommate, her best friend, someone she _loved_.

Nadia, who was raped and tortured. Killed and buried in a shallow grave without a second thought.

Nadia, who was taken when she was out getting a cake for Erin's birthday.

Nadia, who would still have been alive if she had stayed in the precinct.

Bile rose in the back of Erin's throat. She jerked out of Jay and Hank's grip.

"'M gonna be sick," she mumbled, leaning over and retching into the gutter. Her body spasmed with the effort and she threw up until there was nothing left in her stomach.

Jay's hand was soft against her lower back, rubbing in small circles. Voight's hands held back her hair and brushed against her forehead.

A group of women walking by shot the trio a dirty look, probably thinking how sloppy Erin was.

Jay caught sight of them and wanted to scream. He wanted to throw something. He wanted to see the look on their faces when they found out what Erin had just been through.

He wanted to turn back time so Erin wouldn't have to go through it.

"Kid," Voight's voice broke Jay from his mutinous thoughts, but when he looked back, he realized Voight was talking quietly to Erin.

"Come on, we're gonna get you back to the hotel. We'll get you tucked in. It'll be okay," Voight said, using a tone Jay had never heard before from his sergeant.

Erin shook her head, tears flying from her eyes.

"Not okay," she mumbled, "Nothing's okay. Nadia…"

Her voice broke off into a gut-wrenching wail and both Hank and Jay winced.

"Grab her," Voight said to Jay, "We're a block from the hotel. Carry her if you have to."

Jay didn't have to be told twice. He scooped Erin into his arms, holding her close, and hurried off down the block, Voight keeping pace next to him.

Erin curled herself into Jay's chest, fisting his dress shirt in her hands. She sobbed into his chest, leaving make-up streaks on the white fabric. He shh-ed her, making soothing noises as he sped walked.

Voight held open the door to the hotel and glared at anyone that dared look in their direction.

"Take her to her room," Voight said gruffly, a concerned crease forming in between his eyebrows.

"And leave her there?" Jay asked, shifting Erin's weight in his arms. She wasn't heavy, but tonight she carried her grief like a dozen cinder blocks.

Shaking his head, Voight said, " We're not leaving her alone. Stay with her. I've got an errand to run."

Jay had half a dozen questions based on Voight's few words, but one look in the older man's eyes told Jay everything he needed to know.

"I'll protect her."

From what? Jay didn't know. But it was the right thing to say. Voight gave a perfunctory nod and darted off the elevator to open the door to Erin's room for Jay.

Erin's sobs had broken off by the time Jay rested her in the bed. But she was still sniffing.

"Alright, kid," Voight said, pulling off one of her boots while Jay grabbed the other, "Curl up under the blanket, sleep as long as you need to and then we'll talk about heading home tomorrow, okay?"

Erin didn't answer, instead she just closed her eyes and curled in on herself, shutting both Jay and Hank out.

Voight sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, "I'm gonna be back. Maybe an hour or two, got it Halstead?"

Jay nodded, his eyes still on Erin.

"Got it, boss."

Voight looked down at Erin too. Her chest was rhythmically rising and falling, but Voight didn't think she had fallen asleep.

He brushed a hand over her shoulder, "I'm so sorry, kid."

Erin shuddered under his touch and Voight's heart broke further while increasing his rage at Yates.

Voight turned and in three long strides he was out of the hotel room, the door shutting behind him.

Jay stood quietly for a minute, tugging at the knot of his tie.

"Er," he said softly, "I'm here, okay? You can rest."

He tossed his tie onto the chair next to the bed and toed off his dress shoes. His suit jacket was the next thing to his the chair.

"Jay?" Erin whispered brokenly.

He was immediately crouched next to the bed, "Yeah? I'm here, Erin. I'm here."

"I let her die," she whispered, "I let Nadia die. This is all my fault."

Jay shook his head, even though Erin had her face buried in the pillow and couldn't see him, "No. No, this is NOT your fault, Erin."

He let his hand rest on her back, his thumb rubbing circles against her blazer, "You didn't know…you couldn't have done anything."

Something snapped inside Erin. She jolted up angrily and faced Jay, "I shouldn't have gone with that piece of shit! She shouldn't have gone for my cake. Who gives a shit about my damn birthday?"

Jay leaned back on his heels, "Erin…"

"No!" she shook her head violently, "Nadia is _dead_! She's dead because of me. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't save her."

Erin deflated, her anger rushing out of her body, "I couldn't save her."

Jay watched as Erin dropped her face into her hands and her shoulders began to shake with fresh sobs.

He climbed onto the bed and wrapped her in his arms. There was nothing to say. Nothing he could say would bring Nadia back.

Erin sobbed in his embrace and when she got tired of crying, Jay let her beat his chest with her fists.

"Let it out, Erin," he soothed, "Let it out."

She pounded his chest even as his arms tightened around her shaking shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she whispered eventually, after her this had tapered off.

Jay rested his chin on top of her head, "Don't apologize. It's not your fault."

Erin was quiet.

_It's all your fault. _

_Nadia is dead because you couldn't catch him in time. _

_You let her die. _

_You let her die._

Erin's thoughts swirled in her head, unrelenting in their torture. She shivered again and pressed herself closer to Jay, hoping her could anchor her to reality.

He whispered in her ear and rubbed her back and did all the right things.

But the only thing Erin could see what Nadia's body, broken, battered, violated, _dead._

"I'm so sorry, Nadia," she breathed, so quietly that Jay heard nothing, just felt the heat of her breath against his chest.

"Do you want to try and get some rest?" Jay asked, his cheek still resting against her hair.

Erin shrugged, her face pressed into Jay's neck. He helped her shrug out of the blazer she was wearing and tugged the blankets down, all without letting go of her.

Erin allowed herself to be maneuvered under the covers. She let Jay tuck the blankets around her body. She let him sit on the other side of the bed. She let him brush her hair from her sweaty, tear-damp cheeks.

She closed her eyes and curled her body to face his.

She let him think she was asleep.

She let him think his actions were helping.

But Nadia was dead and it was all her fault and nothing would be okay again.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry. **


End file.
